Every Monday morning, I am a brand new person. Well actually, scratch that. What I really mean is, every Sunday night as I'm laying in bed, frantically recounting every lost teenage argument and agonizingly thinking of all the horrible things that could theoretically happen to my family, the idea that "I will be a new person tomorrow morning" always finds its way in. This is actually a calming thought for me amidst the crazy, obsessive thoughts of worry over things I can't control. The idea that I CAN control how I will be from now on calms me and makes be believe, as I attempt to drift off for a couple of restless hours of sleep, that things WILL BE different starting Monday!
These inner sweeping declarations usually include cutting out carbs and sugar, drinking more water, eating all veggies and lean proteins for the rest of my life, exercising more (because within the cocoon of my bed, my mind creates time that I don't, in reality, actually have), being more patient with my children, paying off all of our debt, quitting online shopping once and for all, and any other possible bad habit I feel I need to concur. I usually cave by noon on Monday, because, well, life.
These vows to be a better me also hit me at times when I know at that very moment I can't do anything about them. When I am sitting in the chair, breastfeeding my 3 month old, thinking about all this theoretical time I will have when I go back to work, I join Planet Fitness! Because, hello! I can go on my lunch (as if nurses get a lunch). Or I can go after work (because 12-14 hours of working on my feet isn't enough). It will be great! I'll have the best mom-bod ever by summer! Add that to how, when maternity leave is over, I will stop eating crap food and I will drink bulletproof coffee, and I will do yoga before bed, and I will sit up straight, and stretch every morning, and pay off all of our credit cards, and... and... and......... At that moment it all seems so easy! Then descends the heavy weight of reality. That I am in the thick of motherhood with 3 children under the age of 5. My time is never my own. Do I think mom's deserve to go to the gym, or get coffee, or read a book, or get a massage? A resounding YES! Do I find it feasible to do in my own life? Uh... no. Between work, and kids, and commuting, and all the things that go into having and maintaining a family, I am lucky if I get a quiet bath for 20 minutes a couple of times a week. During which I can hear my husband, bless his heart, yell repeatedly, "Leave mama alone! She's in the bath! Just let her be!" Ahhh... bliss.
So many mom blogs go on and on about how in order to be a good mother you have to take care of yourself. I completely agree! But, are you going to watch all of my kids for me while I relax at a yoga class? Oh, and because I live in the middle of nowhere, that's not just for a 45 minute class... that is for my 1.5 hours of total drive time, along with the 45 minute class. And let's be honest, probably time to grab a few groceries, because this rural livin' mama does not go to town without crossing off a few things in one trip. No offense to those that say that we, as parents, should do those things. Of course we should. I would love to tell a friend, "Sure! I'll come have coffee! Be there in 10 minutes!" But my real life is more like, "Coffee? How about next Thursday at 1? My 2 yo has an appointment, so I will already be in town. And it will have to be Burger King coffee, because they have a play place and I will have the kiddos. I just have to leave before 2:30 so I can make it to the grocery store, then home to start dinner before dark." (My sneaky mom trick is to go through the drive through, get whatever the kids want, then bring it all directly to the play place. Then I don't have to try to concentrate on ordering when 2 kids are trying to run around and I'm balancing a baby. #momhacks.) My coffee date then consists of a lot of face wiping, reminding littles to eat, coaxing them down from the high climb areas when they get scared (sometimes even climbing up there myself), shoe tying, and mediating. If I get a couple of full sentences in between all of this, I consider it a win. Was it therapeutic for me to go "relax and have coffee?" Of course it wasn't. But, it's how real life works in my world.
So. As I stress over what I feel has gone wrong over the past week, and those ideas of all the things I am going to be starting Monday morning float through my too-exhausted-to-sleep brain, I am going to try to give myself grace. Just a little bit. It's still going to happen. I'm still going to declare some new diet or some new way to live life. However I need to stop, and think about it. Before I end up paying for a gym membership that I'm too busy to use, and even too busy to cancel.
These inner sweeping declarations usually include cutting out carbs and sugar, drinking more water, eating all veggies and lean proteins for the rest of my life, exercising more (because within the cocoon of my bed, my mind creates time that I don't, in reality, actually have), being more patient with my children, paying off all of our debt, quitting online shopping once and for all, and any other possible bad habit I feel I need to concur. I usually cave by noon on Monday, because, well, life.
These vows to be a better me also hit me at times when I know at that very moment I can't do anything about them. When I am sitting in the chair, breastfeeding my 3 month old, thinking about all this theoretical time I will have when I go back to work, I join Planet Fitness! Because, hello! I can go on my lunch (as if nurses get a lunch). Or I can go after work (because 12-14 hours of working on my feet isn't enough). It will be great! I'll have the best mom-bod ever by summer! Add that to how, when maternity leave is over, I will stop eating crap food and I will drink bulletproof coffee, and I will do yoga before bed, and I will sit up straight, and stretch every morning, and pay off all of our credit cards, and... and... and......... At that moment it all seems so easy! Then descends the heavy weight of reality. That I am in the thick of motherhood with 3 children under the age of 5. My time is never my own. Do I think mom's deserve to go to the gym, or get coffee, or read a book, or get a massage? A resounding YES! Do I find it feasible to do in my own life? Uh... no. Between work, and kids, and commuting, and all the things that go into having and maintaining a family, I am lucky if I get a quiet bath for 20 minutes a couple of times a week. During which I can hear my husband, bless his heart, yell repeatedly, "Leave mama alone! She's in the bath! Just let her be!" Ahhh... bliss.
So many mom blogs go on and on about how in order to be a good mother you have to take care of yourself. I completely agree! But, are you going to watch all of my kids for me while I relax at a yoga class? Oh, and because I live in the middle of nowhere, that's not just for a 45 minute class... that is for my 1.5 hours of total drive time, along with the 45 minute class. And let's be honest, probably time to grab a few groceries, because this rural livin' mama does not go to town without crossing off a few things in one trip. No offense to those that say that we, as parents, should do those things. Of course we should. I would love to tell a friend, "Sure! I'll come have coffee! Be there in 10 minutes!" But my real life is more like, "Coffee? How about next Thursday at 1? My 2 yo has an appointment, so I will already be in town. And it will have to be Burger King coffee, because they have a play place and I will have the kiddos. I just have to leave before 2:30 so I can make it to the grocery store, then home to start dinner before dark." (My sneaky mom trick is to go through the drive through, get whatever the kids want, then bring it all directly to the play place. Then I don't have to try to concentrate on ordering when 2 kids are trying to run around and I'm balancing a baby. #momhacks.) My coffee date then consists of a lot of face wiping, reminding littles to eat, coaxing them down from the high climb areas when they get scared (sometimes even climbing up there myself), shoe tying, and mediating. If I get a couple of full sentences in between all of this, I consider it a win. Was it therapeutic for me to go "relax and have coffee?" Of course it wasn't. But, it's how real life works in my world.
So. As I stress over what I feel has gone wrong over the past week, and those ideas of all the things I am going to be starting Monday morning float through my too-exhausted-to-sleep brain, I am going to try to give myself grace. Just a little bit. It's still going to happen. I'm still going to declare some new diet or some new way to live life. However I need to stop, and think about it. Before I end up paying for a gym membership that I'm too busy to use, and even too busy to cancel.
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